'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
