I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
