Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Be still, my beating vagina.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Randomize
