I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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