I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
