I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Text me some of your sweat
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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