Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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