1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
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