she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Randomize
