I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
