All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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