Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
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