I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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