someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
