i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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