the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I just want nice things and good sex
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Randomize
