For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Randomize
