Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
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I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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