Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
