last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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