it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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