remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
