Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
