You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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