There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
