i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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