So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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