The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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