i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
you win again, gameday.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
