I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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