my mouth tastes like poor choices
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
