so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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