it was like a zeppelin in a condom
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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