Who wears a wallet chain?!
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
