If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
