i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
