I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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