just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
