Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
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