I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
