and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
