I can tuck mytits in my pants
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
