Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
