Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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