to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
