Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
My vagina just recognized that song.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
