You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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