He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
