I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
