He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I wish my penis had an off switch
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
