Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
