I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
