hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize