I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
