I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
