just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
