This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
